Feast Or Famine

As regards the onetime love of my life: either I’m the devil incarnate or I’m long suffering and beloved and misunderstood.Why can’t we just try to be friends and try to agree on what’s best for our kids and get on with our lives? Why does he always save his biggest tantrums for the weekend? Never mind. I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that one. I don’t want to “win” or be always in the right or anything like that.I’d settle for having my input valued on occasion and maybe not being told what to do and how to do it all the time. I don’t want much, just a tiny bit of privacy and a chance to go out on occasion (without being followed!) and some time to be a mommy to my girls without having to be a full time martyr. Sometimes he gives me money when I need it. I wish I could say no, because it’s not support and it’s not a loan. He’s trying to buy me and when it doesn’t always work I get punished. If tonight were any night but Saturday he wouldn’t hate me, I guarantee you.And the total fucking irony there is that he gets so bitter and angry because he wants me back, but the uglier he behaves the less inclined I am to ever remotely consider it. For all the hurt I ever caused I never intentionally inflicted pain on the level he’ll casually toss at me in a five minute telephone conversation on a Friday afternoon. I can’t spend my life with someone capable of being that hateful no matter what the justification. That can’t be a good thing for my girls to see. If they have to see that, then they also need to learn that the proper response to that kind of treatment is to walk away from it. So that’s what I’ve done. I feel bad for him, but not so bad as to let myself be crucified just to soothe his bruised feelings. Fuck that. It’s my first Saturday night free in three weeks. I think I’m going out tonight whether the dishes ever get finished or not. I think if someone didn’t come in to inspect the cleanliness of my house all the time I might be less reluctant to clean it. I think I may have a dog that needs a new home: male labrador mix, three years old, very friendly, needs lots of energy that I just don’t have right now.

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